I take questions regularly (see contact page). I recieved one that is a bit deep and is screaming out for help, so I wanted to address this one as soon as I could. Feel free to comment, input from you the readers is always welcome.
I liked this girl and we dated. Her name was Ashley. I ended up loving her very much. Her father liked me and told me he would be proud to have me as a son-in-law. Her mother on the other hand, did not think I was worthy, and disapproved of our relationship.Whatever, I never like HER very much anyways, but that is besides the point. As relationships go, mine with Ashley came to a hurtful end. I can’t remember the exact words she used to break it off, but it was along the lines of: “no one loves me the way you do, and I don’t take that for granted; but I just can’t be that girl you want me to be. I want you to be happy but with someone else. Your weight and the fact you don’t have a good job and don’t make good money are a big issue for me and my mom and we both need to move on”. Not the end of the world right?
I was hurt, but regardless of how I felt, I bucked up and tried to make something of myself so I could be with the girl I loved. I saved up money and went to school and started hitting the gym everyday. 10 months past since we broke up and I was plowing through my self improvement quest. One ordinary day, I was talking with a mutual friend of me and Ashley. She told me Ashley was having a tough with her pregnancy. She thought I knew Ashley was pregnant, I did not. As you can imagine, the woman you love, the woman your working to win back. Finding out that THAT woman was having sex with other guys and was now pregnant, was completely devastating. What followed was YEARS of anxiety and panic attacks. To this day I have not completely gotten over it.
I eventually dated someone else, became religious because of her parents, and tried to be everything that she and her parents wanted me to be, but never was. Fast foward 2 years and an one abortion later. I decided to end that long term relationship because I was just so unhappy and missing Ashley.
I don’t know whats wrong with me. Ive gone through depression, counseling, test for bi polar (came back negative) . It has been 20 years since we broke up.
I tried to end it all, twice, and failed both times at that too. Because of the wars in Iraq, and soldiers developing PSD(post traumatic stress disorder) I though maybe that’s what is wrong with me. After reading up, I really think I have PSD. I have all the symptoms. Also I get small panic attacks when people bring up that their girl is pregnant or when they talk about how they love their children. Strong emotion come flooding back to me and I am overcome with grief.
Life sucks, and I suck at life. I don’t do well most days. It hurts me deeply when I see 20yr old couples in love, dating, living together, getting on with their life the way I long to do (i’m 44 now). I feel like I have been alone for so long, and the thought of living another twenty too forty years like this is unbearable.
I want more than anything else in the world is to have that life that I feel like I miss out for these past 20 years. That I will find someone who will accept me for who I am and I can have the life I want: Getting married, buying a home together, having children together.
So in addition to feeling disenchanted with life, having PSD, and living through a life with no meaning. I feel like at my age, I will never attract the woman I want unless I become wealth so I “have the good job and make good money”. See, theirs that you don’t have a good job and don’t make good money” rearing it’s head again.
This reminds me of a song by one of my favorite bands My Chemical Romancecalled disenchanted(that’s why I titled this “Disenchanted with life”). The song goes“your just a sad song, with nothing to say, about a life long wait, for a hospital stay, and if you think that im wrong, this never meant that much to you. I think this little song describes you very well, but It does not have to. Read More…