How to Really Show You Love Her

show her you love her

Is it…flowers once a month? Nice effort but no. OK how about flowers once a week. Very thoughtful Mr Romantic but again no. Alright how about flowers everyday with a card having the words “I love you” cut out of a newspaper? You sir, are a stalker (don’t cross the line of creepiness).

How could sending her flowers NOT be a good way to show you love her? Don’t get me wrong it is a good way, but what your not getting is the underlying reason WHY it is a good way. In our head, regardless of it being real or fake, their is a burden as a man to provide and protect. This is our way of demonstrating our love and commitment for the women in our life. This is done through work obviously, and work for men is not simply work, it is who we are and it is how we define ourselves. Simply put, work IS us.

The consequences of this mean that our self worth and a lot of other feelings are tied up in it. For example, the immigrant worker who is employed as a janitor in order to provide for his family and allow his children to go to college and take care of his wife. Yea it is a menial job, but he is busting his ass to providing financial security for his family and his wife. Though he may have little time with them to profess is love for them, it is through work his way of showing them his love for them.

Lets take it one step further. It is really not that far of a stretch for most guys to think longer hours = more love..and you know what? Most of us would not have it any other way. However, guys assume women understand all this. We just assume that she understands that we are doing it for her. However, If you do assume this then, for the most part, you are wrong.

What most guys over look, which also happens to be the answer to how you show her you really love her, is this: provide EMOTIONAL SECURITY. Sending flowers regularly does helps demonstrate you love her, and it also helps provide that emotional security she needs. It helps her not worry as much about the question “does he love me“.

Show You Love Her

For guys longer hours = more love, but for girls, they take it as you putting work as a priority over them. That means to her, she is NOT your top priority. This leaves her feeling unloved by you even though your doing it for her (crazy isn’t it?). How exactly do I know this? Well I have been accused of being a very insensitive man (but so has Brad Pitt, at least I have good company). Not that I do not care, on the contrary, I have done things in previous relationships to make the girl feel unloved by me when really, it could be nothing further from the truth. So listen up, because I am going to share with you some dating advice that is a solution to this dilemma. I am going to tell you how you can really show her you love her by providing for her emotional security, and it has nothing to do with buying flowers, purses, or shoes for her.

As a man, putting “emotional” and “security” together was never even something that crossed my mind until I had enough failed relationships for not paying attention to it the emotional side of women. As I started to overcome my own inherent insensitivity these are the core things I learned about what it means to provide “emotional security”:

  • She sees that you make time together a priority.
  • She sees your commitment to her
  • She sees your dedication to constantly making the relationship better
  • She sees your making an effort to provide ( as long as you don’t over do it)
  • She feels “close” to you, like your each others best friend.

That’s the quick and dirty outline, that wont help you much by itself so lets get into some details to enlighten you.

She Sees that You Make Time Together a Priority

She needs to feel like a priority. She needs to FEEL that you put her first above all else. That even if you were rich and had no financial issues that she would still come first. Most of us are not rich, most of us work 40 to 50 hours a week. With that said, obviously their are a limited number of hours in the week. Every hour you devote to outside activities apart from work she views it as just one more hour away from her.  Of course she cant expect you to spend every non work hour with her, but what you have to make sure to NOT DO is make her feel like your constantly choosing other priorities over her. Strike a balance and remember, make her FEEL like a priority.

She Sees Your Commitment to Her

She needs to know that you will be their for her no matter what. Sure, you may have a “good” relationship right now at this moment in time, but she still needs to know that your not going anywhere physically or emotionally. A great illustration of this is found in that Disney movie “The Parent Trap”. Nick is an American Dad and Liz is a British mom. The two of them care for each other, but for whatever reason they separated. As such, Nick, years later, asked Liz about what happened between them, why she thought they broke up. To sum it up she said I packed up, got on a plane, and you didn’t come after me to stop me. Nick’s response was I DIDN’T KNOW I WAS SUPPOSED TO. Liz in the movie was testing him, she was trying to see what kind of man he was, what he was made of, and if he loved her and wanted to be with her, and he failed, miserably. If Nick had just demonstrate a level of commitment to her and chased her to stop her from leaving that would have made all the difference in the world to her. But he didn’t… idiot.

She Sees Your Dedication to Constantly Making Your Relationship Better

She will feel emotionally secure if you take the time to let her know she is appreciated. You start off the relationship as a partnership, make sure it does not become a sole proprietorship with her doing all the work, or with her FEELING like she is doing all the work in the relationship. Gifts, phone messages, thanks yous, are all little things you can do to demonstrate your dedication to the relationship.

She Sees Your Making an Effort to Provide

Guys focus on results, girls tend to care more about the effort (but results do matter to a point). Do what you normally and instinctively do and  provide and protect her. Just make sure it doesn’t squeeze out the above three, or you have learned nothing by reading this.

She Feels Close to You

Sleeping next to her every other night does not mean your close. Yes your physically close (duh) but that still does not necessarily mean your close. Like if your idea of spending time together  means having her watch you play Xbox, then sure, technically your spending time together, but your not spending quality time together. Your not connecting with her and making her a priority. Your making Xbox the priority. She needs to feel loved and needed by you. Small gestures go a long way. Actually, small gestures, better know as “the little things” are all the difference in the world for a girl feeling loved and secure, and not. This sense of security for her doesn’t come from her being able to express her feeling towards you, it comes from her KNOWING your feeling towards her. She knows you love her, she knows your her best friend, she knows your not going anywhere, because of these three things, she feels close and emotionally secure with you.

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  • Andrew April 17, 2010 Reply

    Quite an interesting post, but it feels a bit too generalized.

    I was given a book by a friend on this subject. ‘Languages of Love’ by Gary Chapman (feel free to search it yourself, I expect it is still in print. Didn’t want to spam links) there is probably also a blog. The book is more or less the same idea as your post but much more in depth and expanded. His postulation is that each person has a primary language of love and responds the best to a certain set of actions. He classifies them into 5 families. Most of the points you have listed fall into one of several different languages in his theory. However the point is that most people only respond to one language strongly. For some this is time together, some physicality, some it really is gifts. Figuring out how your girl responds the best will go a long way to making that relationship better as well.

    Your list just feels a bit like a shotgun. I expect it covers most if not all people. In that somewhere in that list you will hit on the girl’s trigger language. This is fine at the beginning of a relationship, but as things develop know which is the most important to her. This is the harder part for guys, as women don’t always seem to say what they mean and react in those damn subtle signals. If you decide to show your love by ‘just being together,’ think when she complains about the dishes not being done, perhaps she responds to action stronger than time together.

    The second point that seems missing (and maybe it will just be another blog entry, which I hope) is that there is indeed a flip side for men. There is plenty of evidence and proof that men like sex (duh!), but this idea of what makes us feel loved exists as well. As an extreme example, I would feel unloved if my girl just came home for an hour to have sex then left. I want to spend time with her too.

    This Language of Love book really changed my way of looking at relationships, even with my family and friends. Seeing where people respond goes a long way to making them feel appreciated and saves energy on doing the ‘wrong’ things (although most efforts are appreciated in one way or another, some are worth way more than others). Check it out, maybe it even gives more ideas for blogs.

    • David April 19, 2010 Reply

      Hey Andrew, thanks for the thoughtful comment. I would say it is more of a broad overview than a generalization. Often as men (myself included) we focus on providing and protecting women, childern, our siblings, our family etc. It is something very instinctive we all do. My goal with this piece was to make men realize that in respect to their relationship with a girl, OUR way of showing we love her is simple: We provide, protect and profess our love and commitment. But the way we show we love her is sometimes not enough. I wanted to focus on the “provide” part of that and make other men realize that providing is not simply paying the bills, picking up the tab, and just being around. Its providing that emotional security that is a big part of “providing” that many of us forget, and your right it goes both ways. Men need that security as well (love is loyalty to a man…an upcoming post), but for the sake of not over killing it and writing a 5,000 word article I decided to keep it to the point and focus this one for the men.

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