Lets Understand Interpersonal Relationships!

i love you Lets Understand Interpersonal Relationships!

Lets talk about interpersonal relationships and how they work. Interpersonal simply means your relationship with other people. Could be romantic (which is the theme of this site of course) could be friendship, or could be business among other things.  We all have a variety of interpersonal relationships just by being alive; and the one thing I have come to understand is that the relationships you have with other people is also the same relationship you have with yourself. Wait, what? Let me say that again, the relationship you have with other people is also the relationship you have with yourself. They are one in the same. Seriously. This might not make sense to you so let me explain.

You attract what you project so it should be no surprise then that the way you see yourself is the way the world will come to see you. You CAN NOT be something that is not congruent with who you are or how you see yourself. That means, its all in your head. Say your significantly overweight. You have a negative image of yourself and low self esteem and you generally don’t like yourself. You want to lose the weight, but you just think that it is impossible. Thoughts that race through your head. Perhaps something like this: diets never work, I’m just naturally big, I could never lose the weight, I’m fat and I’m always going to be fat. The relationship you have with yourself is a negative one. You see yourself as a worthless person because of your weight. You feel insecure and unattractive. No one could ever like you right? No surprise that the relationship you have with yourself is reflective of those with other people. How could someone else like you if you do not like yourself? It comes down to mindset, how you see yourself, your relationship with yourself, that has some of the most powerful influence on your relationships with other people. To give another example of mindset, lets talk about exercise. What if I took the mind out of this guy:

fit guy Lets Understand Interpersonal Relationships!

and put it into the body of this guy:

overweight guy1 Lets Understand Interpersonal Relationships!

The result would be obvious. The bottom picture would become the top picture. Yes of course this would happen because of exercise, but it is not simply because of working out in and of itself. The other big piece is mindset, the internal spiritual part you don’t see directly. You only see the effects but not the cause. The guy at the top is fit, good looking, and knows it. The relationship he has with himself is positive. He knows he is the man and any girl would be lucky to have him. It is just how he sees himself. If you planted his mind into the guy in second pic, he would wake up one day and think “this is unacceptable” and start a strict workout routine to get himself the way he sees himself; to be congruent with the relationship he has with himself. Now this is not a gripe against being overweight or anything. It is just to demonstrate for you how your mindset effects your interpersonal relationships. Another good example of someone who understands how the relationship you have with yourself is the relationship you have with others is none other than Gabourey Sidibay of the movie Precious:

gabourey sidibe Lets Understand Interpersonal Relationships!

In an interview with one of the TV Celeb News Magazines (Extra, Inside Edition,) she talked about how her grandmother always told her to love your self. That sounds a bit warm and fuzzy, kind of makes your eyes roll back in your head, (yea love yourself right). But she knows something at her young age most other do not, something that I did not figure out until I was in my 20’s. Regardless of her weight, she has a positive self image and she has a fantastic relationship with herself. She loves herself truly. She accepts who she is and does not let it get to her if other do not. Because of that genuine respect for herself, and confidence in herself, others have come to treat her the way she sees herself.

Understanding how Interpersonal Relationships are Subjective

Mindset is powerful stuff. Your mindset determines how you filter your life experiences, how you interpret things. Like this example: When I drive I used to get so annoyed when someone slow would just pull out in front of me. I would think that “god every single time I get on the road, some grandma has to get in front of me”. Over time, I learned to leave earlier to my destination, but also learned to look at it as a chance for me to slow down and relax a bit more. That perhaps I am going to fast. That I will save more money on gas. To look around and enjoy the scenery. Change my mindset to interpret what was happening differently. Turn a positive into a negative so it does not pointlessly stress me out.

While your relationships do exists in some objective reality: That is, he is my father, she is my girlfriend. Your always viewing your relationship filtered through your mindset. You can not see the objective reality, you only see the subjective reality since your mind through touch, feelings, sight, sound, interprets everything for you. This might be odd or frustrating for you; once you realize that you can never ever see anything objectively 100%; including your relationships. That you do not see them for for what they are, just what you think they are. But take comfort, because that is how it is for everyone, including me!

The value of this post is trying to convince you that this is true. Ironically, depending on your level of acceptance for personal development, that will effect weather or not you read this and it resonates with you. If it does, then good. Understanding that you can never view your relationships form an objective standpoint will save you a lot of time, frustration, and heart ace. Those that view, or try to view relationships as some object. As something apart from them like a car, or tree, are wasting their time as they try to relate to other people, fail at it, get mad at the world, and remain stuck because they don’t know what is wrong with their approach. You will remain stuck until you realize that the relationship you have with other people is a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself.

If you want to Improve Your Interpersonal Relationships Work on Yourself First

The good news is this. If you view your relationships as subjective that means you can always improve your external relationships by improving your internal relationships (aka yourself). Improving your self esteem for starters will improve your self image and the relationship you have with yourself. By doing this, it will clearly have a positive impact on your relationships with other people, aka, your external relationships.

Complaints about others sometimes are really complains about Yourself

Honestly, how many conservative southern Republicans who oppose gay marriage, criticize states like New York and California, then turn out to be gay themselves? Quite a few: Mark Foley, Ted Haggard, Larry Craig, Bob Alen, Craig Murph Jr, are just some that come to my mind. My point is not about Republican hypocrisy, it is about how your complaints against others are really complaints about yourself.  This goes for anyone. Growing up Christian conservative, these men are embarrassed and perhaps even hate the fact that they are gay. They don’t like this side of themselves. This bad romance they have with themselves is reflected outwardly with their social positions. What they should have done is admit to themselves their complaints about gay America are really about their own embarrassment with being gay.

The upside of admitting your relationship issues with yourself is that it reveals a path for you to grow and improve, and also a direction of where to improve. As such, developing relationships with other people is critical if you yourself want to grow as a person. By interacting with other people, be it dating women, or dating me, making new friends, whatever, you will learn things about yourself by others people reaction towards you. Basically, the more you interact with others, the more you learn about yourself. The more you learn about yourself, the better off you will be towards finding love and happiness.

Your relationships can be a positive, powerful force of nature with regards to love, fulfillment, and companionship. But it starts with the relationship you have with yourself. If you can love, accept, work on, and forgive parts of yourself; you will be able to do so in others. The more congruent your thoughts and feeling are with the person you strive deeply to become, the more harmonious your relationships with other will become. It should be no surprise then that birds of a feather flock together. Where do you think that saying comes from? You attract what you project, the way you see yourself is how the rest of the world will come to see you. Understand that, and you can more easily understand your interpersonal relationships.

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