The breakup starts when the battle ends. Breakup warfare. I can guarantee you anyone who is currently your “ex” you had a fight with. Maybe a big one, maybe a small one. It might have been over something stupid and trivial that blew up into something it might not should have, but regardless, you have fought with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Couples fight, but why and over what? The why part is a bit tricky as it often times boils down to different communication styles between men and women. Women talk about their problems to connect and feel closer to the guy (huh?) while the guy’s nature is to be a problem solver. Sometimes you solve her problem by just listening to her and NOT giving advice. This took a while for me to really understand, girls will talk just to talk. It makes them feel closer to you when they share their problems and you relate to their problems. Like saying “I understand how you feel”( if you say that you have to mean it, OR be realllly good at faking it). What they don’t want often times is the traditional male response. Which for guys goes a little something like this:
What your upset? What action or thing can I do or right now to make you feel better? Here is what I think will help solve your problem and make you feel better, lets do this: X,Y,Z.
This is often the wrong response. When a girl comes to you with a problem don’t always assume they want your advice or that their only telling you because they need you to fix it. Girls, don’t assume that the guy is invalidating your feeling by offering a solution. Its just our nature to problem solve, but all men can work on understanding women a bit better. Lets look at an example:
Your girlfriend comes to you with a problem she is having with her mother, and its making it so she can’t focus at work. Instead of listening to her talk about how she feels, you just tell her “this happens every month with your mother, why don’t you just skip all the drama and say your sorry to your mom instead of dragging it out…oh and want movie you want to see tonight”? She gets snarky and says “their isn’t anything good out, I’m sick of going to the movies, why don’t you go out by yourself? BOOM, your off to the races and in a fight with your girlfriend.
From a guys perspective, we were just trying to help! We think that by offering a solution to something that is bothering you we think were being thoughtful. As any girl knows, this do it yourself, fix it yourself response is not seen as caring, it is seen as you not validating their feelings. You make her feel like her feelings she is having about the particular problem she is dealing with is stupid and she should just get over it. This is the opposite of caring. That example was based of a true story, so trust me I KNOW.
Just let her vent and give you the word for word replay about the conversation and the body language and the tone of voice and every other little detail she wants to let you know; and let her go off on tangents about how her mom wouldn’t let her do brownie scouts when she was little, or go on that field trip, or that terrible gift she got from her mom when she was 13…trust me, its really not the same thing. Its different this time. What do you as the man need to do? Simple listen, and shut the hell up and listen.
What are some causes of Relationship Scuffles?
Here are some of the biggest culprits of fights with your girlfriend:
MONEY: Just like how kids get upset because Johnny got more than Sally, adults are still the same way. Whats fair, and whats not. Monetary contributing or neglect are big seeds of battle. Also, money, particularly the lack of money, makes people scared and stressed. Scared and stress people: short fuse angry people.
Time: She is not getting enough of it.
Attention: She is not getting enough of it.
Stress: Not only does it make you age faster, it also makes you fly off the handle for no good reason.
Not listening: Not listening = Not caring
Taking her for granted: You become comfortable and complacent, you stop doing the things you used to do before you had her locked down. She stops REQUIRING those things of you.
Not remembering: Not remembering her birthday, or her favorite flavor of coffee or tea, or how she hates spicy food. Not remembering = Not caring
The last thing you want is to fight with your girlfriend. You already have to battle it out enough just by being alive. Spending time with your girl should be fun. If you find yourself fighting, just keep in mind that sometimes its just her way of getting your attention. Think of it like a blow-horn or a billboard. You were not seeing the signs and picking up on the cues. Women worry, constantly. About lots of things, its your job as a man to comfort and reassure her that everything is fine, that your relationship is fine. Otherwise, she will feel hurt/rejected/neglected. Picking a fight with you is sometimes her way of acting out how she really feels. Which is that she misses you, and needs you.