I Lost the Love of my Life, Now I want to Kill Myself

disenchanted life

I take questions regularly (see contact page). I recieved one that is a bit deep and is screaming out for help, so I wanted to address this one as soon as I could. Feel free to comment,  input from you the readers is always welcome.

I liked this girl and we dated. Her name was Ashley. I ended up loving her very much. Her father liked me and told me he would be proud to have me as a son-in-law. Her mother on the other hand, did not think I was worthy, and disapproved of our relationship.Whatever, I never like HER very much anyways, but that is besides the point. As relationships go, mine with Ashley came to a hurtful end. I can’t remember the exact words she used to break it off, but it was along the lines of: “no one loves me the way you do, and I don’t take that for granted; but I just can’t be that girl you want me to be. I want you to be happy but with someone else. Your weight and the fact you don’t have a good job and don’t make good money are a big issue for me and my mom and we both need to move on”.  Not the end of the world right?

I was hurt, but regardless of how I felt, I bucked up and tried to make something of myself so I could be with the girl I loved. I saved up money and went to school and started hitting the gym everyday. 10 months past since we broke up and I was plowing through my self improvement quest. One ordinary day, I was talking with a mutual friend of me and Ashley. She told me Ashley was having a tough with her pregnancy. She thought I knew Ashley was pregnant, I did not. As you can imagine, the woman you love, the woman your working to win back. Finding out that THAT woman was having sex with other guys and was now pregnant, was completely devastating. What followed was YEARS of anxiety and panic attacks. To this day I have not completely gotten over it.

I eventually dated someone else, became religious because of her parents, and tried to be everything that she and her parents wanted me to be,  but never was. Fast foward 2 years and an one abortion later. I decided to end that long term relationship because I was just so unhappy and missing Ashley.

I don’t know whats wrong with me. Ive gone through depression, counseling, test for bi polar (came back negative) . It has been 20 years since we broke up.

I tried to end it all, twice, and failed both times at that too. Because of the wars in Iraq, and soldiers developing PSD(post traumatic stress disorder) I though maybe that’s what is wrong with me. After reading up, I really think I have PSD. I have all the symptoms. Also I get small panic attacks when people bring up that their girl is pregnant or when they talk about how they love their children. Strong emotion come flooding back to me and I am overcome with grief.

Life sucks, and I suck at life. I don’t do well most days. It hurts me deeply when I see 20yr old couples in love, dating, living together, getting on with their life the way I long to do (i’m 44 now). I feel like I have been alone for so long, and the thought of living another twenty too forty years like this is unbearable.

I want more than anything else in the world is to have that life that I feel like I miss out for these past 20 years. That I will find someone who will accept me for who I am and I can have the life I want: Getting married, buying a home together, having children together.

So in addition to  feeling disenchanted with life, having PSD, and living through a life with no meaning. I feel like at my age, I will never attract the woman I want unless I become wealth so I “have the good job and make good money”. See, theirs that you don’t have a good job and don’t make good money” rearing it’s head again.

This reminds me of a song by one of my favorite bands My Chemical Romancecalled disenchanted(that’s why I titled this “Disenchanted with life”). The song goes“your just a sad song, with nothing to say, about a life long wait, for a hospital stay, and if you think that im wrong, this never meant that much to you. I think this little song describes you very well, but It does not have to.

First off, stop feeling like you have been missing out because of a girl. Not everyone’s life is perfect. Actually, no ones life is perfect. Seriously. Life is challenging for ALL of us at times. The trick is to truly understanding that life has its ups, and life has downs. Life can be a jerk at times that you would like to punch in the face, but it is what it is. Balance and moderation are big ingredients into a happy life. When life is on an up swing, don’t get drunk off of success as it may lead to disaster. Just the same, when life is at a low point do not be consumed and defeated by it. You my friend, have been consumed by it. No matter lesson learned. Also, I WAS that 20 yr old couple you see. I had the girl and the home and the job. From the outside it looked like I had it all together; but non the less, I was unhappy. You would have looked at me and wished to switch places; but oh how wrong you would have been! Even seemingly perfect families have problems that you as an outsider may not know about. Drug problems, infidelity, money issues. All these cause stress. So stop telling yourself that if only you had a girl your life would be perfect. It would not. Dating and relationships are a tricky thing. What can be the most gratifing and satisfying parts of our lives, can also at time be the most crippling. Just understand, you have not missed out because you did not have a girl you loved, your starting to miss out because you devote all your time and energy to it, while life passes you by.

At 44, you have been through a lot of unique life experiences. The past 20 years have not been a waste. You got a lot out of them. Now your done. Be thankful for what you know, be stronger for it, but don’t give ANY MORE of your life to your past.Your feelings are an emotional compass, you feel the way you do because your current existence is not congruent with what you want your existence to be. Your empowering this idealistic and unrealistic romantic image of Ashley and the life you think you would have had with her. Instead of empowering yourself to take charge of your life. Focus on things you control. Which, if you do not feel the interest to read that post, it is  1) action and 2) your attention. You can not control your feelings, the world around you, or the people around you. By understanding that your action and attention is all you have to control, you will grow to understand the law of attraction. Start doing things that make you happy, not things you think will make you happy.  Pay attention to people and things that make you happy and feel good and ignore the things that do not. Stop empowering things in your life that should have no power, like money and idealistic thoughts. By empowering these things your giving up control of your own life. YOU are the creator of your life, when you find yourself not feeling good about life, it is because YOU made it that way. Look around your life, all that is what you created. Your actions and your attention have manifested the reality you experience now. Though you may suck at life (as you put it) celebrate in some small way your ability to create. Do not give your power away by pretending you had no hand in the matter. You did. Pretty cool now huh?

As you see yourself, the world will eventually come to see you. Re-create your life. No man is stopping you. The first step in re creating your life is to focus on yourself. Every man needs to figure out who they are and what they do. You must discover this yourself, as I can not do it for you. Take a harsh inventory of yourself and project in your mind the kind of man you want to be, then, start taking steps towards it. The focus should not be on a fulfilling relationship, that will come as a by product of creating happiness and purpose within yourself. DO IT NOW. Disenchanted with life is but your current state, a result of your previous decisions. Not a prescription or a destination for the rest of your life. Snap out of it and realize the power you have, and the person you could become.


Image © indian summers

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